BE YOURSELF! But just, not too much, ok?
Be creative! But.. just not with your clothes, or hair, or writing. It can be threatening, you know. Or make you deserving of unkind behaviour from others, why must you always be the troublemaker? You bring it on yourself.
Be proud of your body! But not when you look like that. No-one needs to share in that. And when you do look great, don’t show it off, that’s just posing.
Be queer! Good for you! But not too loudly, you’ll make people think you fancy everyone. All the time. Predator.
Be poly! Super brave and unusual. But could you just do that quietly without threatening my (in-most-cases-false-or-broken)monogamy? Ta.
Be sex positive! Just not in my general direction, you massive perv. You’re not supposed to actually have or enjoy sex after 30, didn’t anyone tell you? Ugh.
Be open! But actually, wow, TMI. A little less, perhaps? Super unprofessional. You’re supposed to hide your private life. At least, the bits that aren’t on Instagram. No one needs to know the bits of you that makes them uncomfortable. It’s not our fault you don’t know which bits those are. Try harder.
Enjoy being a mum! But don’t talk about it too much. Or share. God, what’s wrong with you? Making everyone else feel uncomfortable for being spawnless, or bored with your genetic lifeboats.
Speak out about things that aren’t ok in society! But, please don’t count on people to stand with you. It’s great you do it, really it is, but why should they have to rock the boat? Your head looks better above the parapet, thanks. And anyway, if we all stay quiet there’s always Someone Like You ready to take this stuff on, it’s so much easier to just leave you to it.
Have opinions! Just, you know, not THOSE ones. And can you have them less strongly? thanks.
BE YOU! But can you just be a little more what the world finds comfortable? Thanks.